Rooted In Real Talk

Regina Thomas

“I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of darkness, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t reach the surface.” – Unknown 

Trapped in my thoughts: When Depression Comes Knocking

The Fog Rolls In:

I’ve been in my room now for several days…I get up, lay back down, get up again. I can feel the heaviness of the world and I know what’s happening. Y’all, I feel like a trapped animal paralyzed not only by my thoughts but the fear, the sadness, and the weight of not being able to rid them from my head. I can’t sleep, I wake up crying, I am a mess. I pray. But nothing stops the thoughts. And this is the thing. I have had wonderful moments in my life. But why… Why do the negative thoughts live in my head, why do they feel like a blanket that has wrapped itself around me and I can pull it off.

The Struggle is Real, and It’s Personal

In these times…. the struggle is real. When I tell you the struggle is real…I feel like nothing about me is right, who I am, what I look like, how I move. So many moving parts to struggle through, and not lose myself.

This is what depression looks like for me and my prayer as sad as it is… is that it does not live in my body and soul for too long as the fight, is sometimes as bad as the ending. Because the fight leaves me tired… ohhhh so tired…. Scared that it will come back too soon… and scared for the day when the fight is too much.

Small Successes, Big Battles:

Living with depression, you are happy with the small successes. I am happy that I am able to recognize the symptoms of Mr. Depression knocking on my door and me hiding behind the door screaming “Yeah wrong door, she ain’t here go away.”

It starts with moodiness and works right into irritability, then on to omg I just can’t stand to hear constant talking especially when the talk is directed at me. And let’s not forget the being mad, yes chile, just being mad for no reason, no purpose just mad at the world.

When Depression Sounds a Lot Like Menopause

I remember once going to the doctor for my yearly checkup. At the time I was in my late 40s…so, she asks about menopause. “Regina, are you having any symptoms of menopause?’ I say well what are the symptoms:

• Mood swings
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Crying spells
• Feeling overwhelmed

I looked at her and said doc I’ve had those symptoms, for what seems like all my life so how do I know if I am perimenopausal. Really. Y’all look at this list then look at the list for depression:

• Persistent sadness or low mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure in things
• Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or shame
• Hopelessness about the future
• Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Feeling emotionally numb or empty

What…. You say ohhh no Regina, are you kidding me? Yeah….. right. Depression and menopause mimicking one another, now you already know, nature just ain’t right.

Let’s Be Real About Depression

Now here is the thing. And the thing that is so important that it deserves a paragraph:

Depression can be debilitating if you let it, and by that, I mean if you out here trying your damnest to ignore the symptoms and treating it on your own like you have a cold. You already know, SMH….you’re not on the right track. So, let me help you out.

While there are different forms of depression ranging from mild to severe…. We must get a handle on it. And you can do that, but first you have to recognize it, own it, and treat it like an unwanted boyfriend. And women, we just have to know that unfortunately women bear the weight of being the group who suffer from this disorder the most.

Get the Help You Deserve:

• Mild Depression: Sadness, trouble focusing, low energy. Often manageable with therapy, lifestyle changes.
• Moderate Depression: More consistent symptoms, social withdrawal, may affect work/relationships.
• Severe Depression: Suicidal ideation, complete lack of motivation, often requires medication + therapy

And listen to me…. Cause if you have “Severe Depression,” we need you or a family member to dial that number for the crisis hotline 988 or even 911 cause I value you and I see you. And I need you to be able to get the help you need.

And for all of us that suffer from depression know that help will also come in many forms:

• Therapy
• Medication
• Lifestyle interventions (exercise, nutrition, sleep hygiene)
• Support groups and community care.

And if you have read my blog on mental health, I talk about my struggles with mental health as well as how my culture played a part in my not getting help early on. What I am trying to say my loves, is recognizing you need help and getting help is the first step towards healing. So, as we often tease in my family, don’t be the old woman at 90 sitting in the rocking chair on the front porch throwing rocks at the kids because you let a belief hold you from getting help and enjoying the joys that life have to offer. I give you my life experiences to let you know the fight is real. So, once you read …..skip on down the road, yeah to your doc, clinic, or therapist and let them know you are ready…..ready for the fight to be over cause you in the ring and the referee is almost at the count of 10.

In Closing:

I need you to “Recognize” Mr. Depression for who he is, in all his fineness. I need you to know…..Mr. Depression has a mission, and he is good at what he does.

Y’all, Mr. Depression is a “Liar” Yes, he is a liar. He will try to isolate you like an abusive lover. He will make it his mission to strike when you are most vulnerable. He will tell you you’re alone, and you have no one but him. But you’re not. He says nothing will change, But it will. He insists you’re too tired to fight, But here you are—still fighting, even if all you did today was breathe. That counts. You count.

So, kick his ass to the curb cause you have no room for abusive men in this life.”…..And Mr. Depression is an abusive lover. And what we are not going to do is, let the negative in as life is too hard already.

Don’t think about it…..Cause I already have my doughnut and coffee waiting for you to sit down and talk. Welcome to the family.